"a ship in harbor is safe…

but that’s not what ships are built for.”

I don’t think good ole’ William Shedd would have ever thought about how relevant this quote would be to my life one day. I am the captain of my own comfort zone, party of 1, people come and go, a few stay for a while, but I never get out.

I’m a firm believer that God didn’t invent, better yet—CREATE us for a world full of comfort. I think he handmade each and every one of us to go and experience and allow others to experience His glory in new places, with new people.

A life of Christianity is full of struggles, doubts, and failures so how can we claim to be full of God’s grace if we don’t choose to trust it? we CAN’T. God made us righteous through his grace so that we don’t have to wallow in this terrorizing sin forever. We’ve been given a free life, through our almighty Father… AT HIS EXPENSE, and yet we’re sitting in our small corner of the world, in our same churches, with our same friends, doing the same things that are expected of us from society and our community.

SO GET OUT. get out now. go and explore, let God guide you. If that’s not what he’s calling you to do, then awesome. Praise Him, wherever you are.

I’m constantly feeling Him pull at my heart strings, to the point where my comfort zone is beginning to feel suffocating-ly uncomfortable. I want nothing more to proclaim His name and tell my story, but how do you tell a story to people who think they already know it?

So here’s to hoping that all of these risks to come are actually what I’m supposed to be doing. And that all of this isn’t just empty promise from a mind lustful for new scenery.

Jesus, undeterred, went right ahead and gave his charge: “God authorized and commanded me to commission you: Go out and train everyone you meet, far and near, in this way of life, marking them by baptism in the threefold name: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Then instruct them in the practice of all I have commanded you. I’ll be with you as you do this, day after day after day, right up to the end of age.” Matthew 28:19-20 

small town heart, big city soul

my soul longs for a place bigger than this,
bigger than me.
ask anyone—I don’t belong anywhere except in this born-and-raised small town.
this place sucks away your soul though, I’ve seen it with my own eyes.
that’s the worst part, is that you don’t know it’s happening until it’s too late.
and then you’re stuck—forever staring at the same four walls that people have built up around you your whole life.

so how do you break them down, how do you get out?
it’s a game of chance and it’s all or nothing at this point.
the clock is ticking and I desire for a place I can’t call home…
my soul longs for a dream bigger than this,
bigger than me,
bigger than you.

stuck between a rock and a hard place….

I think there comes a time in everyone’s life when they start to rebel. It comes in many forms… the most popular probably being teens rebelling from their parents, but it can also be seen as rebellious acts in marriages, rebelling from your faith, or just being a rebel against society. I believe I’ve come upon the rare instance where I have rebelled from myself—or likewise, I am constantly doing so.

It’s stupid and quite the contradiction, I’m aware. But what if there’s truth to it? To rebel is seen as such a negative action, when in reality it isn’t always used in that manner. The verb form of rebel is defined as follows by Dictionary.com:
5. to reject, resist, or rise in arms against one’s government or ruler.
6. to resist or rise against some authority, control, or tradition.
7. to show or feel utter repugnance.
So with all of these^ given, I think my type falls under the last two. We rebel when we want to change something, so naturally when we believe something is ‘wrong’… or more so, when we don’t agree with it. So by saying I’m rebelling against myself, I guess I’m really saying I don’t like my own authority, I no longer want to be controlled, or I’m tired of the same old traditions.
Maybe even, I want change because I’m so turned off by how I am now.

Is it wrong though? Rebelling isn’t always negative, but what if it IS for the worst? How do you decipher between good and bad when you choose to leap off of a solid foundation into the unknown? When everyone is keeping things the same and insists on the absence of change, what are you supposed to do?

I guess you’re expected to do the same as when you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place….
You find a way out.

we accept the love we think we deserve…

-the perks of being a wallflower.
for the longest time I was obsessed with this movie, especially this quote. but the more I say it, the more false I feel it is.
maybe some people do accept the love, how little or big it may be, they think they deserve, but I think the larger part of finding yourself isn’t realizing you do that. I think it’s accepting the love you DON’T deserve.
of course everyone “deserves” to be loved. but it’s when you do something awful—you screw up, you make a huge mistake—that it is really important.
because in that moment, if someone is still loving you and your mistakes, then appreciate it. it isn’t always going to be there. trust me.
I think we grow up in our generation and time after time we’re told that we are actually good enough and that we deserve more, to counteract the negatives thrown at us from society… but lets face it, if that were true,
wouldn’t we already have better?

I stopped counting days long ago…

something weird happened tonight.
I went out to the tennis courts to watch my boyfriend and his friend play tennis for about 2 hours, because that’s usually when the lights cut off. My boyfriend’s bestfriend was accompanied by one of the girls I had gotten a lot closer to in the last 6 months. all four of us took college classes together this past semester, so we had all grown a little bit closer to each other in a small amount of time.
well tonight, once the lights went out, the boys came over to us, worn out, and laid down on the court, putting their heads in our laps. for a moment we were all really quiet and we were staring at the beautiful sky(the moon was gorgeous). we went on about our talking and laughing when I realized I was still gazing up at the sky.
I had this sudden realization that I was happy. I was truly happy in that one moment. In that very moment I wished that everything could just stay the same. for the first time since I have been in high school, I wanted to stay there…in my own little world surrounded by great memories like the one I was making just then.
I also realized that 6 or 7 months ago, I thought that achieving happiness like that was going to be impossible to do again. I have grown a lot over the past several months, and everyday it astonishes me to look back and think about what a mess I was.
but the truth is, I’m still a mess. and everyday I screw something up. and for every little moment of peace, there’s 10 more loud stressful moments.
but I’m growing up, nonetheless. it’s just weird that now that everyone else is getting senioritis, I’m feeling the opposite.